Sly Bald Guys Forum
Confidence and Success => How to Build Confidence => Topic started by: baldtribesman on April 26, 2010, 05:54:14 PM
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Dexter I am going to let the cat out of the bag and tell you as well as my other Sly brothers what I suffer from. I have body dysmorphic disorder. For me this takes the form of really thinking constantly whether I look in the mirror or photos of myself or just thinking in my head, I believe that I am ugly, I believe I need plastic surgery. I feel when people look at me they see a hidious looking man. I feel my complextion and my facial skin is horrible. I have been to hundreds of dermatologists and they say the lesions that I have are harmless, they also say do not look into the mirror to closely and then you will be happy. Thats really know consellation to me and no matter what anybody would tell me I feel I am ugly ugly ugly ugly. I have depression and low self esteem as a result. I constately fantasize about having cosmetic surgery but I do not have the money for that. Having Body Dysmorphic Disorder is particularly painful to me because I suffer from OCD as well so I obssess and obsess and look at the fine details of my face in the mirror close up.
Why am I telling you this Dexter, and the rest of the Sly Crew hear? Becuase first of all I want to tell you you are not alone in having mental anguish, even though I know your situation is unique to you as we are all unique. The other is I want to ask the Sly Guys what I can do, whenever I do anything requiring me to give a photo out such as online chatting or dating I have experienced firsthand that when the lady sees my photo she no longer wants to talk with me. And this is not even in person, I cannot get through the front door. That sends the message to me that in real life face to face situations people that think I am ugly are not going to say that to me, and that people who say I look okay are only doing it to try to make me feel better but are really insincere in their compliment which I get rather rarely anyway.
I also want to admit that I have a fear of putting an updated photo up because I feel that the photo which you guys currently see is at a good angle and that the lighting actually makes me look better. I am sitting hear with my mac afraid to take an updated photo of myself to post because I have felt lately that I am particularly ugly. I am depressed and have no confidence and self esteem. I guess this may go on until I get enough money to have plastic surgery or have enough money to pay a prostitute or get a girl that is a gold digger, until then I am in this pititful situation guys.
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Tribe my friend, I salute you for opening out and explaining your tribulation but at the same time I'm advising you to you stop beating yourself up. You mentioned that your afraid to upload a new photo/avatar, tell you what I put up a new photo of myself and do I think it's perfect, Hell no and I could critique it and say look at the scar on my right side of my cheek because it's a old nasty scab healing, I'm here for you my friend, Believe me when I say that I've gone through everything that you are going through one time in my life.
PM me if you want to talk.
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You're not even close to being ugly. You look perfectly normal to me -- take that as a compliment because I'm highly critical when it comes to these kinds of things. Granted, if you really were ugly, I wouldn't be rude enough to say so, but I wouldn't be saying you weren't if I thought you were. :D
We all have cosmetic flaws; if you are going to get really close to the mirror and look for them, you will find them. The view is never good from that close.
I assume that you're getting professional help for this disorder?
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Yes I am getting professional and I make some progress if my general mood but the feeling that my face is ugly is very deeply ingrained in me, next week I am starting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on an outpatient basis at a hospital. However I want the truth I want to hear from guys on this forum what I look like for real, for real not to flatter me or make me feel better, but the honest to g-d truth about my face. I will find it hard to believe it when a psychologist or other clinical professional tells me what the deal is because as my former professor in college once said "psychologist and psychiatrists are like prostitutes they get paid to be your friend"
You guys here are not paid by me or forced to, this is a fraternity of real men, good men, and I appreciate your honest and candid viewpoints.
Fred
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However I want the truth I want to hear from guys on this forum what I look like for real, for real not to flatter me or make me feel better, but the honest to g-d truth about my face.
The God's honest truth -- if I ran into you on the street, I'd probably take notice of you because of your shaved head (I'm just programmed to take note when I see other sly guys out in public). But aside from that, I wouldn't think of you as anything other than an average guy. There is certainly nothing wrong with how you look.
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Hey Fred ..... Look at my photo. I'm not exactly blessed with the world's greatest looks.
But I have been blessed with a real sense of who I am as a man. You can work on this my Friend. Be a good man and your confidence in yourself will grow.
You can find your answers in your own heart thru thought and your own Faith.
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I did a pic just now despite my phobia of having my pic taken to show you guys the most current photo of me and more close up then the previous photo. I am not much of a babe magnet if not monsterous looking in my own eyes. I would define myself as having a ghoulish looking face. If I do turns heads its because I scare people.
Fred
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Yes I am getting professional and I make some progress if my general mood but the feeling that my face is ugly is very deeply ingrained in me, next week I am starting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on an outpatient basis at a hospital. However I want the truth I want to hear from guys on this forum what I look like for real, for real not to flatter me or make me feel better, but the honest to g-d truth about my face. I will find it hard to believe it when a psychologist or other clinical professional tells me what the deal is because as my former professor in college once said "psychologist and psychiatrists are like prostitutes they get paid to be your friend"
You guys here are not paid by me or forced to, this is a fraternity of real men, good men, and I appreciate your honest and candid viewpoints.
Fred
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opps didn't to that right
I had to reply to the bit about a college professor and "paid friends" - and I should say I'm not a psychologist or in any similar profession - you could make the same comment about any profession that you pay by the hour (humourous possibilities there) - just because one professor said something witty does not make it true - I would think that going in thinking "you are a charlatan" is not going to assist in the efficacy of any treatment - I would offer another possible way of vieiwing psychologists - in alot of ways they are similar to rabbis/priests/pastors - these are people who are attempting to assist you with resolving problems in how you face the world -
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sq you are right, when I start therapy this week I will make an effort to have a positive attitude. But hey the proof is in the putting, prostitution and porn where made for me. I am ugly and I cannot get girls.
Lets follow the logic-
Good looking guy + confidence=>babe magnet
Ugly guy+ Confident (I say confident because I have some talents and strong points and I know I am special and unique, but in the looks department I am severly lacking => Not only not a babe magnet but a babe repellent.
and heres the last piece of logic
babe repellent=>cannot be succesful with women
cannot be succesful with women=>Lonely and horny
Lonely and horny=>Loneliness persist and for horniness I would have to resort to paying a babe or getting my kicks with porn.
So the conclusion is that I am a babe repellant but I dream of being a babe magnet.
Follow my logic?
Fred
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Fred you're a good looking guy. I thought that all along. Its interesting though that we project our self image to others around us. I applaud you for sharing your story with us. I am sure that you're not the only one out there who feels the same way. I think you're a good looking guy -- I would introduce you to any of my single women friends in without reservation. Be confident that you're a good looking guy, throw away all the mirrors, smile and watch the reaction of others to your smile and confidence.
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Dammit Fred ; you need too get away for a bit --" take a vacation "
Don`t waste money on a problem that does`nt exist . . . . .
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Fred, without naming names, what do you think when you see the photos of the other members here? Some are inevitably better looking than others. How would you rank yourself in comparison to the others here and why?
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Wow, tribe I got a lot of respect for you... it takes a Man to open up and share his insecurities.
Let me start out by saying that you are a good looking dude...
and let me share something about myself.
I used to spend hours a week standing in front of the mirror wondering what I would look like with a prominent Jaw and chin. I can even say I'd rather have a strong jaw than have my hair back. and I told myself if I ever get the money I would get the plastic surgery.
I spend ridiculous amounts of time wishing and worrying. My subconscious has become conscious, when I check out girls I look at their jaw more than any other feature... It's absurd, but I can't help it.
Generally speaking, I do not have abnormal problems meeting/dating women. however deep down I feel like my jaw is inadequate.
I did see the shrink here at school and it did help. the thing is the most freeing is when I don't allow myself to linger in front of the mirror and I just go out and Be Myself.
everyone has insecurities, even the Brad Pitts of the world
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Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred ....
You're a normal looking guy. What's all the worrying about? Take a look at my mug. It ain't pretty my friend and I'm overweight (which I'm working on). But, women have always liked me. I've never had a problem finding girlfriends (when I was single). As many of the other guys have mentioned already, it's all about confidence and the image you're projecting. If you're constantly worrying about being ugly, you'll project the image of being ugly.
One thing that's worked well for me is to smile all of the time. It helps in every type of social setting and at work. Be friendly to women and everyone and you'll find them coming to you.
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Hi I am not sure whether me posting this will help or not but here goes.
I have posted about this previously but deleted it. I also have the same issue and suffer from BDD so I can associate with where you are coming from. Mine all started about 6 years ago, which coincided with the break up of a long term relationship amongst other things.
That was the day that I became massively aware of the fact that my hair was going, quickly and pretty badly. I never viewed myself as an oil painting but I could compete. Now you are one better than me as I am not sure I could post a pic in my avatar at the moment as it would mark the end of visiting this site!! However I thought I would post picture links below. These are from my wedding last year and as yet I havent been able to look at them in a positive way, which can almost make me cry just thinking about it as I want to be proud of them and remember the day.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/49187552@N03/4509813395/ (http://www.flickr.com/photos/49187552@N03/4509813395/)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/49187552@N03/4509817695/ (http://www.flickr.com/photos/49187552@N03/4509817695/)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/49187552@N03/4509820791/ (http://www.flickr.com/photos/49187552@N03/4509820791/)
It is funny as everyone I have shown them to think they are ok, but I think they are lying and being nice. For me my obsessions are very similar to yours. I hate my complexion, I hate the shape of my head, I hate my flat face and I hate the amount of hair I have lost and how my shadow looks. In the past I have obsessed about all of these things sometimes for hours at a time.
I suppose I have quite a different life to you as I have a wife and child. I am not sure how old you are but I am 32 and really determined that this will not take over my life.
I too have just started CBT on my fourth session and what I would say is be prepared for a slog. There are some tough times ahead, but I am led to believe that this by far the best sort of treatment for this. Don't hold back, lay it on the line and dont view your problem as trivial. I know most people will tell you that it doesnt matter, but with BDD (for me anyway) it isnt the root cause of the problem as I know there are people worse off than me, but it is the irrational way in which it manifests itself.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you arent alone and if you want to chat at any point I am only too happy.
Take care,
Chris
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nice post Argyle... once again I think we are all our own biggest critics.
it is a journey to self acceptance
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I don't have much to add to this, but my prayers and thoughts are with you guys that suffer from this. Good luck- and for what it's worth, both of you guys are better looking than me. :)
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Now you are one better than me as I am not sure I could post a pic in my avatar at the moment as it would mark the end of visiting this site!!
Take care,
Chris
Don't even think about not visiting this site, just put that idea in the trash--you're part of the Brotherhood, and your reaching out as you have now done proves beyond a shadow [that's a weird word to use on the Forum isn't it???] of a doubt you're one of us.
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Dont worry i am going nowhere, I just meant that if i posted an avatar pic i would find it difficult to read my own posts lol. I love this place and actually think that if and when i come out of this positively i will have a lot to impart on others who go through the same thing. I plane on being around for a long time this is the best bunch of guys on the web.
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I love this place and actually think that if and when i come out of this positively i will have a lot to impart on others who go through the same thing. I plane on being around for a long time this is the best bunch of guys on the web.
You'll get through it, since you've been in the sessions you know the work ahead, and you can do it. The prize is just too great not to get the ball to the goal post.
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Yep indeed.
Also Fred.I meant to mention that I met my current wife when I was 27 and I was largely bald by then. She said she never minded and actually liked the look. I think she is the most beautiful woman alive.
As an aside, I was at a conference today. As you will probably know one of the symptoms of BDD is comparing yourself to others. I do that a lot!! Anyway I was sitting in a dull breakout session with about 50 people 90% of them women (I work in childrens social care so am in the minority). I was looking and thinking I wonder who at first glance I would immediately attractive. There was 1 person. Ironically though I was sitting next to a woman who I have met before at a previous event. She was very normal looking and if I am honest and with a deeply critical eye she had a huge nose. Yet during our conversation (dont tell my wife) I thought she was sexy as hell. Intelligent, funny, engaging, had I been single I would have happily met her for a drink yet at first glance she didnt catch my eye.
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Very brave to sharere..and I think it's great to see ll the support that is coming out! Truly this is a case of your mind making mountains out of moleholes! There is nothing wring with the way you look at all!
That being said...I think the truth is that we can all tell you that from here until tomorrow but there are issues preventing you from hearing it. I hope the professional you are seeing can help you with that end of things!
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Argyle when I saw the pictures I thought the two of you could have come straight off the pages of a magazine. Both you and Fred are great looking guys.
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PDX.....are you flirting with me? :D
Thanks in seriousness for the comments. I think one of the transitions I have struggled to make since going sly is that i dont see myself as a bald guy I see myself as a guy with some hair odd eh?
But we will get there for sure.
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I'm sorry that you go through this. I hope it helps you to think that I personally (and judging from what im reading many others as well) think you look great, you don't have to get any sort of plastic surgery to improve your apperance, you're a handsome guy. Same goes to your Argyle, I hope you both can overcome these problems you face.
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What up broskis. This is my first post here so let me give a brief introduction. I am a 20 year old man going into his final year of college. I still have a NW2/2.5 of thick hair but I know the time will come for me to be sly soon enough(I would do it now but I like my current short hair cut that is flipped up in the front) and I have finally accepted that. In fact I have decided to quit the propecia I was on. Not because of sides(if anything my sex drive has increased) but for a variety of other reasons.
1) I got on propecia because I noticed my hairline creeping back but the same thing happened to my dad at my age and he is still a solid NW 2.5 25 years later. So I might be messing with hormones for no reason. Actually I AM messing with hormones for no reason, even if I am destined for a NW 6/7 that is not justification to mess with something like DHT.
2)It's expensive as ****
3)I dont want to become a slave to a medication I dont need and would need to take for the rest of my life.
So right now my plan is to just let things fall into place themselves without tampering with my hormones. If I keep the hair I have now great, if not Ill shave. Hell even without further loss ill probably shave eventually just to see how it looks.
So now that I have got that out of the way. This thread in particular caused me to go from lurker to registered member because I am also a BDD sufferer. Although I think I have realized it was mostly in my head. And something I want to point out, is that this was before I had any hairloss. I have always hated taking pictures. Hell there was a time where I hated myself, and everybody else as a result. I wondered why I was even born. And like you I didnt feel like going to a professional because they would tell me what I wanted to hear, or take my money and put me on some drug and call it a day. So I had to take matters into my own hands, either I was going to fix this myself or it would destroy me. Literally. I was able to see the signs. I would spend time during class lectures not paying attention and instead searching for cosmetic surgeons on the web.
So what did I do? I broke myself down completely. Identified everything I was unhappy about in both my appearance and life in general. Then I identified what was in my control and what wasnt. I set attainable goals for myself and worked to achieve them.
I also tried to identify why I had this feeling of self worthlessness. I believe it dates back to being made fun of as a child in school. I had really bad teeth and allergies which clogged up my nose, so I breathed through my mouth giving me a slack jaw appearence. Kids were so cruel, but they were honest. So I guess those comments stuck with me.
Its not easy to do but I think if you are able to break yourself down in a similar manner you can change your life.
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I know this is an old post but so much rings true with me.
I suffer with BDD too and am becoming housebound as a result. I also now have the problem of Hairloss and all that's goes with it and I am suffering terribly as a result. I have posted many times previously and included a photo in one which is very difficult to do as you guys know.
I am getting therapy soon hopefully as I think the alternative is not good.
Just wanted to say I understand your pain, you guys look normal, I don't :(