toppik slave

[getreal]

Hey guys,

This is my first post. I'm thinking about shaving my head but am not ready yet.

I have diffuse thinning all over the top (and a receding but decent hairline) and a big bald spot on the crown that is just getting worse and worse. I started out with concealers about ten years ago (I'm 35 now) and it gave me the youth I missed in my early 20s. With all modesty, I was blessed with good looks and with my hair I look like a model sometimes, I just feel really good about myself.

I'm seen as a very cute, youthful, urban gay guy. Many big tall guys look great with little or no hair—they are tough and handsome. They can pull it off. But I am tiny (5'4"), really pale with dark hair and eyes, and delicate features. I’m never called handsome, always "cute". I feel like this is the kind of beauty I have and without the hair I'll be nothing, I'll look like a little white worm. (However, I am quite masculine and work out a lot, so I am fairly muscular, and have decent beard genetics).

The crown is thinning so much that it's become just gleaming white skin in some places. It's taking me longer and longer to mess with it, over an hour every morning. I have panic attacks that it's not working, and I start the day with this sinking feeling. Then I am terrified all day that it is noticeable or that someone will touch me. It looks pretty good the second and third day, and I am relieved for awhile, then it becomes a greasy dark mess and I have to start over. I avoid the standard activities–pool, biking (would have to wear a helmet and take it off), staying at someone's house. I walk in the freezing winter with no hat, as long as I can stand it.

What hurts me most is the loss of intimacy. So many guys are after me and tell me how cute I am—always that same damn word—but I avoid them because I am terrified that a guy will run his hand through my hair and I will be discovered. I stiffen up. My nervousness comes through and impacts all of my relationships. I just want to be TOUCHED and not worry. I told my last boyfriend not to touch my hair because it's fragile and I am losing it (I never said how much) and I have a lot of dandruff. So he didn't and I could forget it and feel good for a little while. These moments keep me hanging onto the charade. I broke down and told my mom and even showed her what I look like without it (I never showed anybody before, no ex even). She suggested I continue doing it "as a chore" because I look so much better and because I should get the most out of it while I can.

I'm just drained. I don't want to live like this anymore. It owns me. I want the time back, I want to get up and have my coffee and accomplish things. I feel so stupid. Some people lose limbs, and I am worried about this sh*t? But I'm afraid to let go—of my youth, of the attention of guys, and especially of looking in the mirror and seeing "me". Maybe it's harder when you're used to people responding to your appearance, you get invested in that. I know that I am smart and an author and have many interests. I am not my appearance and I have a lot to offer that isn't physical. I know that intellectually, but I don't feel it.

My self esteem is in the toilet, not just over this but because I used to live in a homophobic area and was afraid of being discovered for that, too. I wish that back then I had just had the guts to be me, but I ran away. This feels like a second coming out, and once again I lack the courage. My ex-husband was psychologically abusive too and that made me feel even worse about myself.

I'm doing meditation to build self-acceptance and break the negative self-conditioning. I have an appointment in Jan. to remove a cherry angioma on my scalp, so that if I get up the courage to shave it that won't be a barrier. I shaved it once seven years ago when on a field assignment in a rural area. Many people hated it and criticized me. I didn't hate it, and I should have kept it.

My big immediate, practical fear is that if I shave it, I will go from having a "full" head of hair to having this pink crown where there is no hair—how can I justify that to my colleagues?

Thanks for your patience with my long post. Just saying it out loud feels good. Your support means a lot to me.

[geeman]

The sooner you do it the sooner you can start enjoying life...I started to use a concealer, but luckily "had a word" with myself....as a friend had used it for years.... And for years couldn't get into an intimate relationship, or go swimming, or sweat! The list was endless....with some support he just shaved it...had a couple of "wow what a difference" comments but that passes in a day....he is now married with children... And couldn't be happier... I'm so glad I finally shaved my horseshoe off...the relief was like a religious experience! Life was/is so much more enjoyable....sounds easy...but just do it....and like many on here, you'll wonder why it took you so long....I still look in the mirror and smile when I think about all the worry and stress I put myself through....keep in touch bro

[MunkyMunk]

Getreal, I feel for you - seriously, I do. I'm also short, and the world is not kind to short men. I'm also in touch with being called "cute" but not necessarily handsome. But I've grown to be happy to be called cute because many guys don't even called that.
Plus, we are so centered on youthful appearance, especially (some would say) in the gay community. And, at 35, you're hitting the age that many of us start to be concerned with being "middle aged" and no longer young.

But you are seriously shortchanging yourself if you think that your head of hair is all you have to offer. At your age, you're probably beginning to come into a real sense of who you are and what is really important to you. You're going to have to cast off some of the young man's focus on the superficial as you learn to prioritize what (and who) really deserves a place in your life.

You need to be in a place where you're not afraid to let a lover touch your hair. You need to feel more confident in yourself and that's obviously going to have to come from inside yourself. A good start is to let go of what you're afraid to lose. That could mean shaving your head. Your hair will grow back, but you might just learn that losing your hair isn't that terrifying after all.

Of course, if you're surrounded by men who are terrified of aging, they will be put off by your bald look and may tell you that it doesn't look good - because it could set off their own fears. Don't listen to them. Take the 30 day challenge. Even if you grow your hair back after the 30 days, you'll have learned that it's not the end of the world.

Being clean-shaven bald has been a tremendous learning experience for me. One thing it's taught me is that I'm not at peace with my face and that I've been using my hair to compensate for what I feel to be my facial shortcomings. No hair = not being able to hide any more. The positive reaction I've gotten, even from strangers, has been surprising and helpful (and I'm no handsome guy, trust me).

As corny as it sounds, the key is that you must love yourself. And that includes every part of yourself. And you must be able to show every part of yourself to anyone you hope to find love with.

As I love telling people - be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend. Why would you treat yourself with any less compassion and acceptance than you would offer a friend?

[slybeard]

I suspect your concealer use is more obvious than you think it is.  Waiting only prolongs the issue.  Take care of it, get it over, and go on with your life.  It will be a new freedom.

[getreal]

These are great comments, thanks. I'm already feeling a little more hopeful reading this site, because people discuss being bald not as a disease to fight but just as a look. You guys are giving me some courage to make a plan—still scared and full of doubt though.

BTW Just in terms of privacy, if I post pics in a message can I remove them later?

[Sir Harry]

Welcome. Yes, posted pictures can be removed at any time. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[TheSlyBear]

people discuss being bald not as a disease to fight but just as a look.

Because that's what it is. Trust me, later in life you will look back at all this and wonder what all the fuss was about. There are so many more important things in life than hair.

[geeman]

Why slybear said...I do that now...

[getreal]

Thanks so much guys. I am going to try to have faith.

I'm not ready yet, but I'm picking May 15 as my latest date to take the plunge. That will give me some time to make peace with the idea, make some changes in my social circle, and build my confidence.

Right now I've done some first small steps: I removed "terrified" from the subject line because I don't want to consider myself terrified anymore. Saying that just reinforces it. I got rid of overly "cute" clothes. I've done a purge of some superficial, unsupportive people who were bringing me down. And I have shaved the sides military-short and grown significant beard stubble. And I'm working out like a beast. Ain't nobody gonna call me cute.

More to follow.

[geeman]

That's the attitude... Take control dude

[mrzed]

These are great comments, thanks. I'm already feeling a little more hopeful reading this site, because people discuss being bald not as a disease to fight but just as a look. You guys are giving me some courage to make a plan—still scared and full of doubt though.

GetReal, here's another way to think of it.  Choose BBC, bald by choice. Just shave your head. If someone asks say that you are BBC.  You chose this look.  Part of that, at least, is correct if you shave your head now.

Being bald is not a disease; you are correct.  It is certainly an option for all, and for some it just looks better that way.  Just review the number of guys on this site that are BBC for years and years.  It's a cool style.

[getreal]

Oh I would go BBC right now if I had a full head of hair. But I don't think I look BBC. I shaved seven years ago and you could see a pink/white patch at the crown, and it must be worse now. On the sides the stubble is thick and dark. That's what fills me with dread right now—showing up out of the blue with an obvious bald spot, even if it's shaved.