What would she think?

[The Baron]

I'm 40 years old and still single. Most people my age are already married and have families. The pool of available women in my age range is much smaller. Most of those women will already have children. As a result, they will be more selective. They wouldn't want just anyone to be around their kids.

There is also the fact that I have never had a girlfriend or even been on a single date. Yes, I am a 40 year old virgin. How do you tell a woman something like that? Surely she would find out eventually. The subject of past relationships would come up in conversation at some point. How does a man explain that to a woman he is dating? How would she react? Would she be creeped out? Would she laugh at me? Would she think that I was less of a man? Would she dump me? I would think that it would be a deal breaker for most women. Male virgins are considered to be losers in our society. Some people believe that male virgins of a certain age have mental problems. Some women may consider them to be damaged goods and refuse to date them.

I could lie about it. However, that would be wrong. It also wouldn't work for very long. You can't keep a secret that big forever. Women are not stupid. If I didn't tell her, she would be able to figure it out on her own. Then what? Would she be angry at me for not being honest? Would she leave me? After all, there are plenty of "real men" out there. Most women want a strong, confident and experienced man. A man with swagger who knows how to handle a woman. These facts have effected my though process. My whole mindset is different from the average man. I have gotten to a point in my life where I can't even imagine having a girlfriend or wife. It doesn't seem like a realistic goal. It seems out of reach. What do you think?  What would she think? Does she have a right to know?

[Paul the Headblader]

if you never had a relationship, you will not be able to figure it out just by asking someone. You simply have to live it . If you know how to pick her, she will understand.

[TheSlyBear]

As a result, they will be more selective. They wouldn't want just anyone to be around their kids.

I don't blame them. Perhaps you should work on being the type of person that anyone would like to be around and have around their children?

The rest of your post doesn't make much sense because you've already acknowledged that women in your age group are looking for more than a stud. Do you really think that they'll care that you're not a Don Juan that's been busy collecting conquests?

It sounds like you're targeting teenybopper to young 20-somethings who value all the wrong things rather than a mature woman looking for a quality partner.

[aarrggh]

[JasonR]

Baron,

Just curious...why did you choose not to date?

You can start at 40...gotta start somewhere.

[The Baron]

Baron,

Just curious...why did you choose not to date?

You can start at 40...gotta start somewhere.

Hello JasonR,

I didn't choose not to date. It just worked out that way. I have been shy my whole life. I think it has a lot to do with being bullied as a child. I was bullied by classmates and by my own brothers. My brothers were much worse. My mother was married twice. I was the only child from her second marriage. My brothers hated my father. When my father left, I was the target. It's very difficult to be confident when everyone around you thinks that you are garbage. 

When I started to lose my hair, the situation got progressively worse. Yes, you can start dating at 40. However, it will not be easy. Women like to talk. They also like to ask questions. Especially when they are dating a man. They want to know everything about him. I mean everything. His job, life goals, interests, past girlfriends or wives and yes, sexual history. It would be an issue. A very big issue. A potential deal breaker for some. Many women would consider this a serious problem. Women can be very judgemental and dismissive.

[xnewyawka]

Is that you George Costanza??     

[Hingatao]

I'm incredibly shy as well and didn't start dating until my early thirties. I didn't have the same parental and sibling problems as you but I am gay so my big problem (other than shyness) was fear of getting my a** kicked. I'm proud to say now that I've been with my current boyfriend for just over two years.

If you're worried about being judged, look at it this way: If they're do shallow that they'll judge you by your past rather than what you can offer, they're not worthy of your attention. If a woman (or guy) is worth having your past won't be an issue.

[Frontier Guy]

Perhaps you're putting too much emphasis on dating. What are your hobbies? Are there opportunities to leverage your interests to join groups of similarly-interested people? Some of those folks will be married, naturally, but you'll be more comfortable developing conversation skills. And there are likely to be single people too - and once you get to know them, if you're interested, suggest going out for a cup of coffee or maybe meeting for lunch. You'll have the advantage of them already knowing something about you. And if they say no, just move on to the next. Not everyone is going to be compatible for interested.

Just my two cents.

[Sir Harry]

Baron.....I am roughly the same age as you (just turned 40 more than a week ago). I've been married twice (three if you count my annulled marriage from 1992)....This last marriage, which ended in March, was to a woman with two children. The children were very accepting of me from the start because: a) I didn't try to REPLACE their fathers, I was just their father when they were home, and b) No matter how much a woman loves you, until she marries you, her kid(s) will come first...as it should be. I was the "nerd" in school, to be honest, I don't think I had any real friends until I took up bowling at 14 and then I got less defensive when people cracked jokes or picked on me..... Anyway though, despite being the picked-on "nerd"  in school, once people got to know me and I didn't get defensive I started making plenty of friends, many of whom I keep in contact with via Facebook, e-mail, etc. This "nerd" managed to find love many times and got married thrice. Getting back to your situation..Believe it or not, many women would be happy to find a man who still has his virginity, but do you think perhaps your standards for women are too high, maybe? Confidence can lead to a lot of good things, but patience may be the most important thing especially in the game of love. What you have to do is love yourself before you can love someone else. Even if the woman has kids, you still can make it work...it may be a harder road, especially if the kids are older, but it can be done with the right attitude. I could go on and on, but I want to leave you with two things to think about 1. Don't let your past dominate your present so much that it destroys your future, and 2. Losers make excuses, winners make it happen...which one are you? Good luck, take care and God Bless!

[JasonR]

I would suggest counseling/therapy from a good counselor or psychologist. I think it can and will help you tremendously. I have seen a therapist for some family and relationship issues I had, and it helped tremendously.

[Frontier Guy]

I would suggest counseling/therapy from a good counselor or psychologist.

I'll second that. Nothing wrong with obtaining some professional assistance.

[bennett11]

I never dated in high school and not in college until my senior year.  No relationships until married several years later to a gal from a blind date.

I was shy but had a number of friends. 

I believe you lack a lot of self confidence and dwell on issues that are not that important at your age with regard to relationships.  You don't have to wear you concerns on your sleeves.  No need to lie but you  have no need to broadcast your history.  Gals at that age frankly are likely more interested in other  aspects of a relationship than sex, something you have a fixation on. Relax and get on with it and get involved in activities that interactions with others that included women - things happen naturally. 

[Mikekoz13]

Baron.... for a guy that has never dated, you seem to think you know a lot about women. Maybe you should quit analyzing, stop thinking you "know" women when you have virtually no experience with them (by your own admission), and just go out and have a good time and get to REALLY "know" women.

You may be on the wrong Forum for the issues you're looking to resolve.

[Beardman]

Hey Baron,

Just like to say, that I am a 25 yo Virgin, never dated yadda yadda. My main reason for never being is a relationship is that I was not very confident in high school/University and by the time I hit Uni I stopped exercising and eating properly and put on the pounds, that and I was already starting to struggle with my MPB (was balding since I was about 14). I used to always think, what girl my age would want to date a fat balding 19-20 year old guy etc, etc. But since I started my apprenticeship last year I've been turning my life around and shredded most of my weight now and have gone sly. I am starting to notice a bit more interest from the fairer sex, and feeling a lot more self confidence that I never had before. And now I think I am finally happy enough with myself and in the right frame of mind, that when that next girl catches my attention I am ready to have a crack at this whole relationship thing.

I think you really need to take a look at yourself (like I did) and try and find what it is that you think the ladies aren't interested in (you will find that it is really what you are not actually happy with) and try to rectify the problems. If you are able to do that, you will feel so much better with yourself, and that will rub off on the fairer sex too.

What everyone before me has said is very true. I hope that you heed their advice and that in the near future you will be at the same stage that I am, and find yourself a nice lady.