Need advice for old relationship

• Need advice for old relationship by Mike on 19 Jan, 2012 12:34
• I have some relationship issues. My 'marriage' relationship didn't work and we split back in November just because we both wanted more than an occasional text.
  
   Here is where I am at now. I dated this girl for 2 1/2 years when I was still a teenager and we had an awesome relationship I thought. I was working and going to school and she wanted to go to a dance at school but I couldn't go so she went 'alone' but I found out she went with some other guy. A while later she got pregnant but had a miscarriage a couple months in. It was around the time I found out she went with another guy that we split and it was a mutual decision. We both agreed that we were still young and had some growing up to do and everything. We didn't talk for probably 5 months after breaking up even though we live next door to each other and had classes together and everything. Over the last couple years we have become great friends again which I enjoy. She always comes to me for relationship advice and I help her just as a friend.
   I have always had feelings for her and when we were going out I honestly could see us getting old together. Every time I saw her with another guy I cringed. Looking at it from a therapist view I look at it as a possessive thing, she was my first real girlfriend so I want to hold onto it. This past weekend we spent it together from the time she got home on Thursday to when she left on Tuesday. We went everywhere together, we slept in the same bed all weekend, it was basically like we were dating again but not. Her friends kept saying how we make such a cute couple and everything and I honestly think the feelings have been rekindled again. But I am affraid because as the saying goes "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Plus she is no longer a virgin anymore and I still am and I know she has a large appetite for sex which I am old fashioned and prefer to wait til after marriage and I am afraid she wont respect that all the way.
  
   I just need advice on what to do. Looking at it as someone else's relationship I would tell myself not to do it but I want to, that is why I need my Sly brethren to give me pointers on this
• #1 by LAGLE on 19 Jan, 2012 12:38
• I can relate as I had a similiar experience. I tryed one last night, we got drunk one night, she slept with my bestfriend. >.>.
  
  Now, onto yours, If its somthing you feel strongly for, it may not be such a bad thing to try it. You don't want to keep asking yourself "what if", You may get hurt trying, or it may end perfectly. Contrary to believe, people can change. I say you just follow what your heart says, not your mind. and go with it. Good luck pal 
• #2 by DJ_Bald on 19 Jan, 2012 14:42
• Quote from: Mike on 19 Jan, 2012 12:34

  I have some relationship issues. My 'marriage' relationship didn't work and we split back in November just because we both wanted more than an occasional text.
  
   Here is where I am at now. I dated this girl for 2 1/2 years when I was still a teenager and we had an awesome relationship I thought. I was working and going to school and she wanted to go to a dance at school but I couldn't go so she went 'alone' but I found out she went with some other guy. A while later she got pregnant but had a miscarriage a couple months in. It was around the time I found out she went with another guy that we split and it was a mutual decision. We both agreed that we were still young and had some growing up to do and everything. We didn't talk for probably 5 months after breaking up even though we live next door to each other and had classes together and everything. Over the last couple years we have become great friends again which I enjoy. She always comes to me for relationship advice and I help her just as a friend.
   I have always had feelings for her and when we were going out I honestly could see us getting old together. Every time I saw her with another guy I cringed. Looking at it from a therapist view I look at it as a possessive thing, she was my first real girlfriend so I want to hold onto it. This past weekend we spent it together from the time she got home on Thursday to when she left on Tuesday. We went everywhere together, we slept in the same bed all weekend, it was basically like we were dating again but not. Her friends kept saying how we make such a cute couple and everything and I honestly think the feelings have been rekindled again. But I am affraid because as the saying goes "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Plus she is no longer a virgin anymore and I still am and I know she has a large appetite for sex which I am old fashioned and prefer to wait til after marriage and I am afraid she wont respect that all the way.
  
   I just need advice on what to do. Looking at it as someone else's relationship I would tell myself not to do it but I want to, that is why I need my Sly brethren to give me pointers on this
  

  Sex thing is a tough one. If she wants it and you dont want to give it to her until marriage she is ultimately going to be unfulfilled in your relationship with her.  I respect you for feeling that way but girls want to "try before they by" just like guys do.   Thats a MAJOR barrier IMO...
• #3 by JasonSandeman on 19 Jan, 2012 18:00
• Thing is - sounds like a trust issue deep down. You mentioned that as a therapist you would council against the relationship.
  See, if something is meant to be, it ain't rocket science. It's actually scary how it works out, and there is no thought involved. It's when things become cerebral that we start getting into trouble.
  
  You mentioned being old fashioned, with the belief that you must wait for marriage until you do the deed. How is she with that? You answered your question already - and it sounds like you are already set up in a trust issue already.
  
  Relationships are built on trust - without it, it's doomed. You are right, once a cheater - past predicts future. Not saying it will happen, but since it already has happened, chances are great that given a perfect opportunity (like no one could find out,) the person will repeat the behavior.
  
  There are a LOT of people out there. Like I said, I used to over analyze all this stuff. I used to agonize.
  
  Then I met my wife - and there was no question. It happened so fast, it was so natural - it was truly scary how it worked out.
  
  I hope that helps out.
• #4 by Mike on 19 Jan, 2012 22:05
• It is just a part of my beliefs. I know trying to find a virgin these days will be near impossible and I've accepted that fact but why is it so hard to wait til marriage? According to doctors I am a hypocrite of myself (not the right words but I can't think of the right ones) because I have high functioning aspergers which should be decreased sex drive but at the same time I have polyorchidism so I should have increased sex drive/testosterone production. I am the kind of guy who doesn't like to date for fun, but for long term. Why waste time and energy on something that wont last? Dating for marriage is why I have only had 2 girlfriends in my life.
  
   When we slept together this weekend we cuddled and all but she said it in different words that she wanted to 'try me out' next time she comes up. I forgot to mention she is going to college a few hours away and comes home on weekends.
  
   I do have trust issues but it's not just with her, with people in general so I am always wary of everyone. I am afraid that since I can't please her sexually that she might wander.
  
   So would it be worth it to try again or should I just stay friends?
• #5 by LAGLE on 19 Jan, 2012 22:08
• I'm still saying go with trying it again, perhaps explain to her of your wanting to stay a virgin. now; Atl. do foreplay. don't actually penetrate it. but you can still please her with your hands or orally. and remain a virgin. I know plenty of girls who love a good foreplay
• #6 by sailor61 on 20 Jan, 2012 06:58
• Clearly I'm an older guy so I can throw out my opinion from a different angle.
  
  If you feel attracted to her, of course give it a shot.  However stay true to YOUR beliefs.  If you are strongly committed to waiting until marriage that is YOUR choiceand don't let anyone change your mind.  If she puts pressure on you to change your beliefs for her then it is a sign of what could come down the road in the future.
  And once you give what your views say is a special part of yourself to someone you can not get it back.
  
  I am not saying you should or should not remain a virgin until marriage, I'm simply saying remain true to yourself and if you do things will work out the way they are meant to.
• #7 by 4fit on 20 Jan, 2012 20:10
• Quote from: sailor61 on 20 Jan, 2012 06:58

  Clearly I'm an older guy so I can throw out my opinion from a different angle.
  
  If you feel attracted to her, of course give it a shot.  However stay true to YOUR beliefs.  If you are strongly committed to waiting until marriage that is YOUR choiceand don't let anyone change your mind.  If she puts pressure on you to change your beliefs for her then it is a sign of what could come down the road in the future.
  And once you give what your views say is a special part of yourself to someone you can not get it back.
  
  I am not saying you should or should not remain a virgin until marriage, I'm simply saying remain true to yourself and if you do things will work out the way they are meant to.
  

  
• #8 by good to be bald on 20 Jan, 2012 20:46
• Married woman here (reading over my husband's shoulder!) -  For what Sailor61 said!  If you sacrifice your belief for any one, you'll regret it and resent that person.  Also if she loves you, she'll respect you for sticking to your guns.  I'm wondering about talking to her about your thoughts and seeing what she has to say.  If you can't communicate, the relationship won't work either!
  
  Best of luck to you - but do listen to "the older guy"!
• #9 by buddha on 21 Jan, 2012 02:07
• Quote from: Mike on 19 Jan, 2012 12:34

  I have some relationship issues. My 'marriage' relationship didn't work
  
  Plus she is no longer a virgin anymore and I still am
  

  
  OK, I was gonna post up on this topic yesterday but I ended up navigating somewhere else rather than post. There was something about it that confused me. I wasn't quite sure what it was until I saw this up again and I re-read your original post and now I know why I was confused.
  
  You referred to your "marriage relationship", I never heard it described that way before. I have always used the term "marriage", not marriage relationship or marital bondage. So were you actually married? If so, and I know that I'm speaking in generalizations here, did you NOT engage in sex with your "wife"? See why I'm confused.....because later on you refer to yourself as "still am" (a virgin?). I quoted both of these statements above to, hopefully, avoid confusion.
  
  As far as the relationship with the girl you described I have no advice to give as to whether or not to pursue it and if I did it would undoubtedly be wrong. I'm not one of those golden souls who has limitless faith in their fellow humans' character and integrity. I have dozens of visions of what could go wrong if you were to enter into a relationship with this girl and, strangely enough, most of them involve you walking in on her in a compromising position.
  
  Something about this whole picture just makes me uneasy. I wish I could say "throw caution to the wind and go for it!" but I can't. I don't know, man, but if I were in your position I think that I would cut my losses and move on, keeping in mind the reason that I split with this girl to begin with.
• #10 by baldjoeg on 21 Jan, 2012 19:07
• Hey Mike,
  
  I don't have a whole lot to tell you other than to stick to your values on the sex issue. I support you 100% on this. I did and I am glad that I did. I wish you the best of luck now and always.
• #11 by mrzed on 21 Jan, 2012 20:05
• Quote from: baldjoeg on 21 Jan, 2012 19:07

  Hey Mike,
  
  Stick to your values on the sex issue. I support you 100% on this. I did and I am glad that I did. I wish you the best of luck now and always.
  

  
  I agree with baldjoeg.  It's my position, too. I'm glad that I remained a virgin until I married my wife. 
• #12 by Mike on 22 Jan, 2012 13:05
• Thanks for all the advice everyone. About my 'marriage' that I had me and a good friend got 'married' on facebook just as a joke basically and it was fun but we soon learned that we were meant to stay friends.
  
   And a new update on the whole situation. She came home this weekend and didn't tell me she was. We didn't really talk all week until I found out she was up here. We were supposed to hang out yesterday but she kept making excuses and saying "I'll be there in an hour" which turned into two hours then an hour and a half before she finally came out and told me that she has a guy friend from school up here with her this weekend and she didn't want to see me. So I think that pretty much sums up where I sit now. I think I will just let it all go and try to stay friends. It was worth a chance and do still have feelings for her but if it is meant to be, it's meant to be
• #13 by foodfor4 on 22 Jan, 2012 16:40
• I hate to says this to you as you seem like a nice guy, but I get the idea that she is toying with you and using you as a "back-up plan". When you are working and can't attend a dance she without hesitation goes with another guy and more recently plays with my by leaving you hanging. SHe made it sound liked she wanted to see you and hour by hour kept you waiting only to say "I'mw ith someone and don't wanna see you". You may have matured, but she has NOT. I also have aspurgers syndrome and understand youyr struggles, but yoiu deserve better than this. Trust me.