what advice should i give?

[Laser Man]

Our best friends' college-age son wants to go sly and his parents are dead set against it. This young man has asked me a couple of times how I like being sly. I've been truthful and told him I love it. We'll be seeing our friends tomorrow for a big dinner and I know the topic is going to come up again because it's clear this young man is really anxious to try sly. On one hand I want to tell him to try it. On the other hand, I don't want to upset his parents (our friends). I should add that our friends have been tepid about my new look, but that hasn't altered our friendship. What would you do in this situation?

[buddha]

It depends how much you value their friendship.
If they are footing the bill for college their son might not want to rock the boat too much. Then again he may be in the midst of a rebellious period and looking for a way to needle mom and dad.
You say they're tepid on the sly look for you and dead set against it on their son which indicates that they are clearly not fans of the sly look.
If you insert yourself and advice into a situation that doesn't involve you in a real way it may cost you their friendship. Best to stay out of it would be my advice. Sly, after all, is not a "come to Jesus" moment where the immortal soul hangs in the balance. It's just a haircut.

[D.A.L.U.I.]

Best to stay out of it would be my advice. Sly, after all, is not a "come to Jesus" moment where the immortal soul hangs in the balance. It's just a haircut.

Well, staying out of it--yes, but if asked about it two things. 1, if the young guy has demonstrable mpb, it's an option for him and you can point out to his parents that it is a common way of dealing with it now days particularly for the younger guys, and 2 if the young man has a full head of hair and no signs of mpb, remind them that it is, as Budda points out, only a haircut.  Perhaps you have a nice way to telling them, if they have disagreements with their son, make sure they are truly important, not something like a hair cut that will grow out in a month or two.  If the young man is permitted to make personal decisions, he may seek out their advice and counsel about them, but if they seek to be the final control they will be excluded, and excluded when the matter is truly important and they could make a meaningful contribution.  Otherwise, they risk damaging, not destroying, their relationship.  Hair or sly--that's not important enough to make a fuss, is it?

[Laser Man]

Thanks to both of you for the advice. I'm going to tread very delicately here. We've been friends for nearly 20 years. Their son is a good kid who I think is being a bit rebellious with his very straight-laced parents.

[Oracle]

Ironic isn't that twenty plus years ago our parents were wanting us to wear our hair shorter?

[Razor X]

Thanks to both of you for the advice. I'm going to tread very delicately here. We've been friends for nearly 20 years. Their son is a good kid who I think is being a bit rebellious with his very straight-laced parents.

And a pretty mild form of rebellion at that.  There are far worse things he could be doing. Too bad his parents don't see it that way.  He's old enough to make up his own mind about what kind of haircut he wants.  I'm sure his parents mean well but they need to stop trying to control things like this.

[sailor61]

Regardless of the son's age; their house, their rules unless he's paying rent.

[buddha]

Regardless of the son's age; their house, their rules unless he's paying rent.

 

[Razor X]

Regardless of the son's age; their house, their rules unless he's paying rent.

Over more important issues, I agree wholeheartedly.  But I really don't think anyone should dictate what kind of haircut another adult should get. If a young person is getting an education and trying to get his start in the world, I don't think a parent should try to use this as leverage to force him to get -- or not get -- a certain type of haircut.

I'm speaking in general terms, not specifically about the individuals referenced in the original post.  No disrespect intended to them at all.

[buddha]

Razor, generally I agree with you. In this case it seems that the parents might have a bit more at stake in this battle than meets the eye and I have no idea what or why. Based on what I've read thus far they have a keen interest in controlling their son and it's already been disclosed that he's doing a rebellion thing and his parents are straight laced. Thus, my concern about getting involved in this is running the risk of the old "you're either with us or you're with.....(fill in the blank)". It just strikes me that prior to involving oneself in this type of business one should evaluate the value of this particular friendship. I also had a fleeting thought about what kind of problems the kid has had in past years that the parents seem to lack trust in his decision making ability which leads them to keeping him on a short leash.
Any info regarding that?

[D.A.L.U.I.]

The part that needs to be there--the parents have to ask npsbg's opinion--he can't offer it.  Once they've asked they should get an honest and forthright opinion.  Too many times parents continue to try to rule, when they should accept that as the child matures their role changes from dictator to counselor--it's hard for the parents.

[Razor X]

Razor, generally I agree with you. In this case it seems that the parents might have a bit more at stake in this battle than meets the eye and I have no idea what or why. Based on what I've read thus far they have a keen interest in controlling their son and it's already been disclosed that he's doing a rebellion thing and his parents are straight laced. Thus, my concern about getting involved in this is running the risk of the old "you're either with us or you're with.....(fill in the blank)".

I agree that it's best to stay out of the line of fire and avoid giving advice about whether he should or shouldn't do it, though I don't see anything wrong with answering general questions about how one likes it, the shaving routine, etc.

I also had a fleeting thought about what kind of problems the kid has had in past years that the parents seem to lack trust in his decision making ability which leads them to keeping him on a short leash.
Any info regarding that?

Certainly, we don't have all the facts which is why I'm trying to keep this in general terms rather than commenting on these people, who we don't know, specifically.   And I'm speaking as a product of a similarly controlled environment , it's not an indication that the son has done anything in the past to cause his parents to distrust him.  Some people just have very rigid views about what's acceptable in terms of long hair, short hair, no hair, facial hair, earrings, etc. and tend to impose those views on their children -- which is fine when the children are minors, but after that it's time to let them make up their own minds about these matters, IMO.  

[philp]

be diplomatic about it. Don't push too hard, but if it comes up, no sense in lying about how you feel. I don't think the "hard sell" would be a good idea, but take a more passive approach and maybe come it from the angle of why you like the look rather than why he should have the look.

[Laser Man]

Thanks for all of the advice. The son is a good kid overall. He's done the normal high school / college stuff. His folks are very status and appearance conscious and we all live in a somewhat conservative town, so they probably are more concerned with "what the neighbors think".  Assuming it comes up tonight, I'll answer honestly that I like the look and feel of being sly and I enjoy my daily shaving routine. I won't be dishonest about that. If they ask my opinion of their son going sly, I'll say that I don't think it's a big deal, but I will not advise him against their wishes. Maybe I'm wimping out, but our friendship is important.

[Razor X]

If they ask my opinion of their son going sly, I'll say that I don't think it's a big deal, but I will not advise him against their wishes. Maybe I'm wimping out, but our friendship is important.

I think that's the wisest course of action.  Not wimping out at all.