A little honesty..

[Redgrave101]

Ok guys..

I could really do with some help/advice. What iv'e got to say is full of all the typical cliches and negativity that you would expect to find in such a post.., so consider yourselves warned! lol..

I recently had 2 weeks off from work as annual leave.. that ended on the 29th of June.
I have yet to return to work.
I had abit of a funny turn during the time off and went from being 'generally depressive' to basically suicidal. I have hardly left my flat in over a month and survive purely thanks to the support of my flat mates/family who make sure i am supplied with food/drink etc.. yes it really is as pathetic as it sounds. I do still help out around the flat and cook meals from time to time, but other than that im pretty much being carried.
All this because i can't face having people look at me...
I work at a hospital as a health care assistant, for those who are not familiar with the term its basically a role that supports nurses clinically as well as medically in a nursing environment.
It's hard to believe that i jumped out from a plane for charity only a few days ago, it was the only time i really left the flat and i guess the guilt/shame of backing out from such a thing is what made me go through with it.
It is currently 12.45am here and i am meant to finally return to work tomorrow morning at 7.30am, this i now realise is not going to happen as i have just had another 'funny episode' and decided that i can't face it.
I just finished shaving my head for the first time a few moments ago. I don't like it but then i didn't like it before so theres no real loss there, lol.
I know that no matter how supportive and understanding my collegues are, its only a matter of time before i lose my job. Im due to be moving into a house with my flat mates in August.. I can't do that without a job.
I am filled with shame/guilt/hatred at the state i have allowed myself to get into, and for how worried i have made those who care about me.
In some ways the worst part of all is that most people don't have a clue whats wrong with me. What will they all think when they find out its because im going bald! I spend 38hours a week at work caring for the sick and at times terminally ill and have seen first hand how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away. And yet i can't even get myself to see how lucky i am that this is the greatist of my worries.
It was only as recently as march that my profile picture was taken, it was in Athens, Greece and i had decided to go there to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I met an amazing French girl and needless to say, was incredibly happy. I feel like that has now all come to an end, relationships, travelling.. i can't imagine ever habing that confidence back.
A GP recently came to see me and put me on a course of anti depressents, at times i feel like they are working and then there are moments like this.
 
I don't know what i ask of anyone reading this, it feels pretty good to just vent to be honest..
If your still reading at this point then thank you for sticking it out..

[Sgt. Pate]

I sure don't know how to specifically address your situation but I do have a couple observation from my own experiences...

1 - Being overly concerned with what others think not only eats you up but makes you even less likable.
2 - Everyone else is so consumed with what you're thinking about them that they really don't care that much about you.
3 - Liking yourself actually makes others like you too!

And lastly, you do not have the right to judge and condemn yourself!  No matter if you believe in Him or not, only God has that privilege and I can guarantee you He thinks more highly of you than you can ever imagine! 

Stop listening to the lies bro, destroy those tapes in your head that you keep playing... they are from the pit of hell and from the destroyer!  There's nothing wrong with you and with or without hair you are still the same person.

You just need to refocus a bit... we all do from time to time! 

[TGB1]

If the anti-depressants are prescribed by a legitimate source use them as directed, but and this is a big but bro, by themselves they are not the answer. Therapy with someone qualified and a structured existence are critically important. Keep us posted and feel free to use us as a part (I stress a PART) of that process.

[SBG Math Guy]

When I go through a difficult time I remember this:
Time heals everything.

[buddha]

Kudos to TGB1! You hit the nail on the head. Period!

Red, I am strongly seconding TGB1's recommendation. Feeling a little bit off, maybe having a sad day every now and again is normal and you can, in effect, destroy those tapes and let time heal it. When a person becomes suicidal, particularly when they develop a plan of action to achieve that end, it is time to take action! I don't blame your flatmates/friends/family for bringing you food and helping you out but one of them has got to step up and get you to a competent therapist. Otherwise thay are enabling you to sit home and plan the end.

In the meantime I encourage you to find a number for a suicide hot-line. Here in the U. S. they are staffed by people who are committed to helping others at times like this. Most are volunteers, from what I understand. They are dedicated people who really want to help.

If you are actually considering ending your own life, brother, it has to do with way more than losing your hair. Seek assistance.

[Redgrave101]

Thx for the quick replies. I intend on seeing a therapist, just as soon as i start getting my life on course again.
I phoned work at 3am this morning and let them know i wasn't going to be in, once again they were really understanding. The pills are from a legit source so i'll keep taking them, but i know that they alone won't be able to solve my issues.
Basically i just need to stop being such a self absorbed baby and man up and deal.

[Rob-Raz]

There is nothing wrong with feeling a bit down. The key is to take control of those feelings rather than let them control you. On days when you are down....make that the day you put extra effort into doing something that makes you happy. Take your hair for instance,  it was getting you down....what better way to take control than to shave it!!  You said you didnt like it...but give it a few days....then let us know if you feel the same.

[666pluto]

The guy I see in the photo next to your name looks pretty confident to me. hell, it seems like he's feeling free & on top of the world  .
As someone who been in your situation for most of his teenage years and early twenties (23 now), I can honestly say you can over come it. A therapist will help, but not necessarily. you can do it on your own, just take those thoughts from your head and stop feeding them. i know it's not easy, hell it took me years to overcome it, but it can be done! your workplace seems like a supportive one, so i suggest you speak to your manager, explain you need a few days off or something like that, and try to clear your mind a bit. ever wanted to scuba diving? do it now! hiking, buying a motorcycle, trip to Amsterdam  , adopting a dog or what ever it is, just do stuff you thought of making but never gave second thoughts to. it can grow your confidence bit by bit.
i do know one thing, staying in your room and sink in self pity will make things worse, I'm sure you will face it then but why even letting it reach that point?



by the way, I'm starting nursing study in college in two month [=. where i live, the nurse also do health care assistant's job as well, so it's very similar .

[Magoo]

Thx for the quick replies. I intend on seeing a therapist, just as soon as i start getting my life on course again.
I phoned work at 3am this morning and let them know i wasn't going to be in, once again they were really understanding. The pills are from a legit source so i'll keep taking them, but i know that they alone won't be able to solve my issues.
Basically i just need to stop being such a self absorbed baby and man up and deal.

Red !.......Don't wait to get your life on course. You get your life on course by seeing the therapist first. You keep blaming yourself but it's not your fault.YOU just need a little help along the way.

[DAMMAG]

Just remember. If life was "good" before it can be "good" again.

Also remember that research has shown that exercise is a good way to relieve depression. Get out and about and active even if you don't feel like it. Get some sun, just don't burn your newly Sly head 

Do some reading on nutrition as well. Your body and mind will be healthier if you eat well and maybe take a multivitamin or similar.

Take care,

Damian.

[Dbsly]

Thx for the quick replies. I intend on seeing a therapist, just as soon as i start getting my life on course again.
I phoned work at 3am this morning and let them know i wasn't going to be in, once again they were really understanding. The pills are from a legit source so i'll keep taking them, but i know that they alone won't be able to solve my issues.
Basically i just need to stop being such a self absorbed baby and man up and deal.

Hey there Red. I don't know much about much, but I pass my time working on a Psych degree. No diagnosis or anything here, no worries. What I want to stress is this... take time to see a therapist now. If you get things balanced, that's great, but you're also more likely to tell yourself you were strong enough to overcome this and you don't NEED help... not really. And you will put it off. We all do things like that.

Here's a cheap and easy idea. If you are feeling low like this, find a suicide prevention line in the phone book or online and give them a call. They don't ask for any info and it's someone on the other end to talk to with folks who have heard a lot of what you are going through.

Much love man.
-D