SBG for me is a state of mind but be warned this is a long story

• SBG for me is a state of mind but be warned this is a long story by KiwiDiscoStu on 24 May, 2010 21:54
• Hello everyone,
  
   I am new here and very happy to have found this site as it has helped me a lot so I would like to give something back by sharing some (ok a lot) of my story which may or may not help others.
  
  I am a 35 year old archaeologist from New Zealand. Any other kiwis out there?
  
  It’s true I am balding but that is just a small part of my story and not really the main plot. My hair I never liked as it annoyed me as it would never do what I wanted but looking back I had great hair. It started receding in my early 20s but luckily for me unlike some unfortunate people it was very gradual. But I still on rare occasions got jokes which I found quite amusing because it was usually by men I regarded as insecure about themselves. In fact not a single woman had made a comment to me about my hair.  I was in a very good head space confident in my place in the world and my abilities. My studies went well and I focused on a career which was difficult to get into but very rewarding and very enjoyable. I focused on living life to the fullest and making the most of what I had while looking to make my world a better place for me and those around me. I was there for people and not just the ones who mattered most. I met a great girl in my mid 20s and got married and settled down and later had 2 children.
  
  Things went well for a number of years before I realized that my wife and I were not compatible and our situation declined economically and emotionally for a number of factors I won't go into here but mainly because we were too different and wanted different directions. I finally confronted her after years of arguments and misunderstandings at the start of 2008 thinking this was it and was shocked and humbled when she responded by trying to make me happy and give me everything I wanted. So I felt obliged to make the effort too. She supported me in my decision to quit my job and start a PhD
  
  I felt very uncomfortable as I was making her unhappy with forcing her to make sacrifices that were clearly making her unhappy and clearly the love was gone. But then a miracle happened and somehow she got pregnant despite using a watertight contraception and me hardly being home. But we were excited none the less and especially as it was going to be a boy this time. We lost the baby after 4 months and I was destroyed.
  
  Literally a month later near the end of 2008 I fell in love with another woman when I was at a conference in Europe and started an affair with her without thinking about it. I realized then that I had to accept my marriage was over which anyone who has been divorced will tell you is no easy thing especially when children are involved. I returned home and ended the marriage right away as I knew it was the right thing to do for all of us. It was hard at first accepting being alone and separated from the children. But shortly afterwards to my surprise the woman I met in Europe wanted to have a relationship with me as I had assumed she just wanted to have an affair with me because I was married and also because we lived on different sides of the world. Looking back I realize all along it was an impossible relationship but we both tried hard to find solutions to overcome the problems by phone and internet. She was going through problems herself and we were both a strong source of support for each other. She came to visit me for a few weeks and I went to stay with her in Argentina for 2 months and we both talked about her coming to live with me for an extended period of time. By this stage in mid 2009 and especially since the last 2 years my hair rapidly went from receding at the front to thinning all over the top of my head and because it is light blond on top and darker blonde at the sides it looked like I had no hair there at all. I had always looked at my thinning hair with distaste but usually would just laugh and shrug and get on with things. I had never considered drugs or other treatments as I never took drugs for anything. But now I was having more trouble accepting myself. I was suffering from the marriage breakup as the decision to end it had left me not liking myself very much. But with my argentine girlfriends support I was coping ok. But then one day I had dinner with her and her mother who made a comment I looked like Phil Collins in a bad way. My Girl friend also made a negative comment the day before I left saying I had great potential with hats and come to thing of it she would always make jokes that weren’t very funny about my lack of hair and when I wouldn’t laugh she would make a big deal about how I didn’t like what she said.
  
  For some reason, probably because the only white people who shave heads here are white supremacists, I never considered shaving my head. When I returned home I talked with her about treatments which she supported with some reservations so I went to this hair replacement company. The man was like a used hair salesman he convinced me that they could add hair to the hair I already had. It was endorsed by a cricket player I had always admired so like a fool I took leave of my senses and signed straight away even when I looked at the contract and noticed they gave no refunds once treatment starts. When it came to the treatment I discovered that it was just a wig glued to my head after having shaved my hair. It looked good but I hated the way it felt. My life was spiralling out of control and my argentine girlfriend decided she was too afraid to come live with me probably because she had trouble accepting me because by this stage I was not accepting myself. I think she was also tired of my grieving for the end of my marriage. Quite clearly the relationship between us was too close to the end of the marriage. It’s hard enough to expect someone to give up their culture and country for you. It was hard for me deal with her loss but I understood her reasons and we remain good friends at a distance and at times she still tries to convince me to come visit her. At this stage near the end of 2009 the ex wife realized I was single and asked me to return to her but I declined because I didn’t miss her and I could see she was doing much better without me. Her career had started and she had become a stronger confident woman I was proud of her.
  
  But by this stage I was in free fall. All I could think about was death and dying. I stopped work on the PhD and just sat at home watching TV and playing computer games and eventually I could concentrate well enough to read books. I needed time to be alone and absorb all the losses I had suffered since the loss of the baby and to reconnect again with who I really was and to relearn again my values and reassess my core beliefs. For 6 months I did this living at my parents while supporting the ex from my savings and spending as much time as she would let me spend with the children which was a generous amount. During this period of inactivity and self reflection somehow I managed to make it to a conference in Vietnam in December 2009 and deliver, in an emotionless state, a paper that made a big impact at the conference. But it was based on work I had done earlier before my collapse. During this time after the conference I was lying in a hammock on a Beach on Cat Ba Island not far from Hanoi recovering from an opium session and wondering how I got home from the massage with happy ending parlour a few nights earlier. I was feeling extremely sick and then all of a sudden I had a moment of calm in my mind. I realized this person I had become was not the real me. And then I realized I would rather accept the person I was then accept the person I was becoming. I realized I liked who I was and I also realized I could see clearly that it wasn’t my fault that things went badly nor was it the ex wife’s fault and that sometimes things just happen for a reason outside your control. I decided to stop punishing myself and accept myself faults and all. I returned to NZ and immediately rang the hair replacement company and told them I wanted them to take the wig off. They tried to say I needed to give it more time or try other methods. No way could they deny me. So I went to the barber and got him to do it for me. We were both laughing hysterically and having a great time with his shock and surprise. I was nervous doing it especially as I had an end of year dinner with my old archaeology company I used to work at that very night. But this was quickly replaced by a euphoric overwhelming sense of self empowerment I had not felt in a long time. I shaved the rest off to skin in a rather incompetent manner. I went to the party obviously very pleased with myself and had the best time I had had in a long time. After initial shock they were very supportive of the way I looked and accepted it quickly because I had accepted it and everyone wanted to talk to me and rub my head.
  
  As the weeks went by I didn’t shave my head again as I had no routine and I had accepted my baldness shaved or not but dam I did remember the delicious way it felt as it felt so vulnerable and on the edge and from the start I felt it looked great if strange. So I did some research and found this great website called Sly Bald Guys. During a month or so of lurking I learned from this great bunch of people the secrets of head shaving and I decided if I was going to do it again I must do it properly. Meanwhile I was busy suing the hair replacement company who I threatened to take to court and expose in the media and within a few days of this threat (although it was weeks of research and correspondence) I had all my money refunded. I started work on my PhD again and even did contract work. I played cricket again and had an awesomely fun and successful season, I started doing marshal arts. I was enjoying my own company again and the company of new and old friends including my ex wife. I have since learned that all these things are more important than hair or lack of. And then I felt like I was a Sly Bald Guy and ready to report for duty. So I manned up and 2 days ago I shaved my head again properly and it feels much smoother. Thanks guys  SBG really is a state of mind.
  
• #1 by ozzie on 24 May, 2010 23:23
• WoW!! What an incredible testimony. 
  
  Welcome to the forum, Stu. I have a feeling you are going to help guide a lot of guys over to the Sly Side.
   
  
  
• #2 by Polarbear on 25 May, 2010 04:02
• Very nice story! I'm glad that you've found yourself again
• #3 by omegapd on 25 May, 2010 08:54
• Glad to have you here! Thanks for posting!
• #4 by OzPete on 25 May, 2010 23:30
• Welcome to SBG!
• #5 by revived on 26 May, 2010 05:28
• great post man..... i lived 4 years in kiwiland. i mean auckland.
  welcomee!
• #6 by TGB1 on 26 May, 2010 09:46
• A great intro man! You bared a bit of your soul. Welcome!
• #7 by KiwiDiscoStu on 27 May, 2010 09:48
• my apologies once I started I could not stop. I am finding a lot of benefits to being bald. I work outside at times and when its warm I don't need to wear a smelly hat and can just put on sun screen which feels much more comfortable. In a few weeks I will be working on a tropical island which can get really sweaty even in the "winter" season and hats after a few weeks start to get a bit iffy. I may even be able to convert some of the other people working there to joining us 
  
  My children love it they keep touching my head.
  
  So far people who had not seen me shaved before have been quite shocked at my new look and I can see their mind working over so I just say go on give it a rub which they enjoy doing. I was most concerned about my university peers and the potential effects it would have on my credibility. So far so good. The self conscience feeling for me has passed quickly and everyone has accepted it as we get down to business, although I seem to have to repeat the whole process with everyone and I am wondering what my supervisor and chair will say when they see me in a few weeks. 
  
  The only place I felt uncomfortable so far is at my children's playgroup where they are all mothers and friends of my ex wife but thats nothing new I always feel uncomfortable there 
  
  I also find it has made me a bit more outgoing as obviously the change has made me stick out in groups and by default I have become the centre of attention something I am not always comfortable with but am learning to adjust to and I think this is a good thing as it makes me talk more to people I otherwise would not have so much need to talk to. I also feel that I have to be more professional to compensate for looking different. All good things.
  
  The cons I am finding are not major. Its winter here so it can get cold in the evenings and mornings and it feels a bit chilly nothing a woolly hat can't fix. I also find it ironic that I now use more product when I don't have hair as I didn't use any before but so far I am enjoying it and feel like I am looking after myself more (some me time). I also wonder what I will do on the few occasions when I find myself working in remote areas without hot water and how I will shave. Maybe an electric razor?
  
  anyways cheers everyone
  
  ozzie ozzie ozzie oi oi oi
• #8 by Mikekoz13 on 05 Jun, 2010 17:53
• Welcome Stu! What an incredible introduction and testimony!
  
  Much like my own story from years ago.......... like yourself and others will like you. You Rock Dude.......... 
• #9 by kenny57028 on 06 Jun, 2010 11:30
• Good Story! 
• #10 by RyanJP on 06 Jun, 2010 14:56
• Nice, don't have an avatar yet........

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• #11 by Arnie on 05 Jul, 2010 22:43
• Sorry for the late welcome...WELCOME TO SBGs!!!