Author Topic: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?  (Read 11647 times)

Offline agentfortyseven

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Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« on: July 29, 2016, 11:24:09 PM »
My wife and I have been together for 12 years married for almost 10. We've been having a hard time she's had to work a lot after I had a pretty sever back injury but I'm getting healed up and looking for work going through the hiring process with the local police department right now waiting to hear back on test results anyway, the other night she says she wants to split up and she no longer has any feelings for me. I was not ready to give up I asked to try going to a marriage counselor she agreed to go to only one session but kept saying she thinks that it won't work and is convinced she's done. Then last night she said she was going to sleep at the airport where she works but I found out she went straight to a guys house and slept there in his bed, she claims nothing happened but she had thought about it. We have two kids 8 and 4 years old, I am more upset that she lied to them about where she went. And think she should have the decency to wait until we've figured out what we're going to do, once everything is over and each of us have moved out or moved on then she can do whatever she likes but while she's still in our house I don't think that's ok. Anyway I apologize for the long rant I am just beside myself and in total shock I have no idea what to do so anyone with any advice or insights of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!



Offline Sir Harry

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2016, 12:05:05 AM »
Hey, man

So sorry this is happening to you. When I joined this site in November, 2011, I too was in the process of a divorce which was finalized in March, 2012. My marriage started going downhill while I was in Iraq for most of 2010, and my ex-wife started acting strangely after my return with things such as "girls night out" and money kept "disappearing". Granted, our split up was easier as we didn't have any kids together, but in your case here's some things that I've learned from nearly five years ago

1. Even if she bad mouths you, don't bad mouth her especially in front of the kids
2. If you come in contact with her family members, keep the conversations about the two of you short and sweet. Someone in her family may try to bait you into saying something bad about her which they can go back and tell her (Blood is always thicker than water, no matter how good or bad of terms you're on with your in-laws)
3. As you have small kids together, there will always be some form of contact between the two of you even if she and/or you find a new partner down the road. The two of you will have to find a way to be cordial even in the times you really don't want to be.
4. It's okay to be angry, but try not to make it obvious to outsiders
5.Just make sure you've done everything you could before filing for divorce. Some people may be going through depression or have a hard time moving on from a certain stage in their live

Feel free to PM me anytime, and you and your family have my best wishes and prayers and I hope it works out for everyone regardless of what you and your wife decide.
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Offline agentfortyseven

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2016, 12:28:42 AM »
Sir harry,
Thank you for your insight,  yeah it's going to be difficult with the kids and I want them to still love thier mom she has been a great mother. I think I'm willing to at least try counseling and see if we can save it 12 years and two kids there is a lot invested to just give up! But I can't make her try if she really doesn't wish to. Thank you for your service as well!!! That's really sad I knew a guy who's wife did kinda the same to him after he returned. I appreciate the kind words

Offline Dragon

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2016, 12:43:36 AM »
Hi agent fortyseven, sorry to hear of the bad time you are going through.  Every marriage have ups and downs.  It sounds as if there have been lots of things going on, with your wife's work and your injury.  As you say 12 years and two kids is a lot of history, so you shouldn't give up too easily.  The big thing is that the two of you need to talk things through.  A counsellor can help but it doesn't sound as if that's an option, so you have to try and do it yourselves ( also difficult when you have the kids around).  You need to try to get her to open up about what she wants, talk about what you want, and then you will be able to see how you can chart a path together.  Don't get too hung up on the small stuff.  Good luck

Offline agentfortyseven

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2016, 10:26:48 AM »
Thank you Dragon for the kids words and support. Yeah I've wanted to do whatever we can to pull this out of a tailspin. She did agree to go to one counseling session, so we'll see how it goes

Offline slybeard

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2016, 10:38:11 AM »
You have some good advice already, I am sorry to hear about your situation.  If you are religious, you may also want to confide in a minister/priest.  Some larger Churches also provide access to counseling services.
SlyBeard

Offline agentfortyseven

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2016, 01:21:15 PM »
Thank you sly beard, I have not ever been very religious but would definitely consider that path if it would really help. I'm just thinking things are too far gone after the other day. I wanted to try and avoid a separation at all costs if possible for the kiddos but the only mind I can change is my own. I haven't been on this forum in awhile but I have a feeling I'll be loitering around quite a bit now Thanks again I really appreciate all the help and support from everyone

Offline Lew

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #7 on: July 30, 2016, 01:33:08 PM »
My son was eight when his mother and I separated.  I had asked her for years to go to couples' counseling, but to no avail.  I decided to go to counseling myself and did so for eight months.  During my last session my counselor told me to leave my wife.  It is some of the best advice I've ever had and I followed it the next year.

If your wife is with another man she may have emotionally checked out of your relationship quite some time ago.  No matter how much you love her, she may not feel the same way about you.  It's a harsh reality, but if true the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move on with your life.

I paid child support for ten years.  The first few years were tumultuous until my ex-wife met Greg.  Things were okay until they got married.  God, he was such a tool.  He caused my son and I a great deal of grief.  I always kept my cool for my son's sake and kept my distance as that made things much more manageable.  Something very strange happened two years ago this month.  Greg unexpectedly had a heart attack and died.

Things between my ex and I are much better now.  This has taken the course of 16 years so many things have changed over that period of time.

Sir Harry has given you some excellent advice.  Good luck and keep your head up. 

Offline agentfortyseven

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #8 on: July 30, 2016, 02:29:46 PM »
Wow Lew I am sorry you had to go through that, sounds like I'm in for some tough years ahead but I'm good and durable. The biggest fear I have is how anyone she meets in the future act towards my daughters I could not handle someone trying to come between myself and them or treating them poorly. You bring up some very good points the more I think on it the more I think it is just time to go. Thank you

Offline Quiet_Dan

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2016, 11:40:12 PM »
hey mate, it's a really tough situation you have (I'm not gonna be silly and deny the truth). I gotta admit my divorce experience included me being homeless for 6 months, and I think the fact is that once you have children involved it's gonna be tougher than anything I've been through. Hang in there.
But it does seem like she has made up her mind with her actions, so I think the main thing that you can do is be civil about her and to her (if only for your children's sake) Good luck mate be the best man you can be and a great father
God created only a few perfect heads, the rest he covered with hair!

Offline buddha

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2016, 07:12:15 AM »
There's an old country song where the singer tells us "if she's thinkin' 'bout leavin' she's already gone." You know what they say about truer words never having been spoken?

You have gotten some really good advice already and I won't go back over old ground. One aspect of this that is missing, and having been through a divorce more than 25 years ago I'll give you some advice from my own experience.
First of all get the best divorce attorney you can. And when I say best I mean nasty. Get donations from family if necessary and get someone who is on the "father's rights" side of the equation. Let him know that she "camped out" at another guy's house and if you know who the guy is disclose this info to the attorney. There used to be a thing in the law called "alienation of affection" for just this kind of situation. It basically allows you to sue the guy for letting your wife take a nap in his bed while he's there even if she only thought about doing it.
Your attorney may want to hire an investigator to get some damaging evidence against your wife. Say yes to this. It is going to work in your favor in court if she's the one who stepped out of the vows and it can be proven and when you go to court remember that it isn't what you know, it's what you can prove.
When she leaves the house to sleep at the airport where she works (or whatever story she comes up with next time) start searching  through her hiding places for evidence, read her diary, and basically violate every one of the rights she thinks she has to privacy. Remember that she's the one camping out in places other than your house, you are the victim of this situation. Tap your own phone (I did this but allowed my ex to talk me into destroying the evidence), you can probably buy the stuff you need on Amazon. Save any incriminating recordings and give them to your lawyer.
I had a really sour experience when I got divorced, this was back in 1990. I am still in the process of trying to reconcile with my 2 grown daughters more than 25 years later. I made some mistakes that I shouldn't have made because the part of my mind that lives in a fantasy world kept saying that this wouldn't really happen.....but it did. The crowning touch came when I took my ex back to court because she allowed my youngest daughter to get married at 16. I was not told about the wedding and, in fact, found out about it by accident after continuing to pay child support for almost 2 years when neither of my kids was living with their mom.
Make no mistake here, you are going into a war here that will, in all likelihood, determine the quality of the relationship between you and your kids forever. So fight this like it means something.
"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it never really care for anything else thereafter."
Ernest Hemingway, On The Blue Water.

Offline agentfortyseven

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2016, 06:59:55 PM »
Hey buddah,
I totally get the if she's thinking of leaving she's already gone,  and I may very well have missed my chance to save it. But I am not going to "Prepair for a war" with her we both love our children and I will not do anything to try to damage the relationship our girls have with thier mother she is still a good mom. I do go back and forth with what I want to do but there is still a part of me that wants to try. If things do south and we end up apart I want to do everything possible to make it as smooth and peaceful as possible because as we have kids together she will always be a part of my life and I would hope that we can make it a kind to eachother. I am not a vindictive person however I am very hurt, angry, and feel crushed

Offline Sir Harry

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2016, 09:37:11 PM »
Hey agent 47,

I think that given the circumstances, you're handling it with class. But even so, we're here for whatever you  need in the support department. A friend of mine was going through a similar situation and he decided to commit suicide. He tried reaching out to me, and I didn't pay attention like I felt I should have. After that happened, I made a vow to myself that if anyone is having problems, and trying to reach out, I would give more effort to help. Not saying this applies to you, but as I said in an earlier post, the members here were helpful to me, and we will do the same for you.
Even when the d is removed, the devil is still evil.

Offline agentfortyseven

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2016, 11:09:20 PM »
Sir harry,
Thank you for everything you guys have been really great, oh man I am so sorry to hear that had happened to your friend. I am extremely upset and lost but I have to be here for my girls no matter what happens. I still feel like I want to try but I will see how the session goes with the marriage counselor tomorrow. I definitely need the support you guys have given this has been a very emotionally draining time. I greatly appreciate all the kind words and I'll keep you posted I'm still holding a little bit of hope that it can somehow workout. I know I have caused her plenty of frustration and hurt also, I just hope and pray that the counselor can shed light on things we've missed or give us the means to work through the things we either would ignore and just hope it gets better or continued to let build up until one of us would snap at the other and start an argument that'd bring in lots of other stuff that had nothing to d with the original argument. Wow sorry for the long post my head is just swimming  ??? Anyway thank you for the emotional and mental support it has definitely been needed, this is a damn fine group on this forum I have gotten much more from joining this community than I ever imagined THANK YOU!!! 

Offline slymyke

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Re: Likely headed for Divorce , any one have advice?
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2016, 07:43:06 AM »
Hi Agentfortyseven,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Im glad you are holding out hope and are going to seek counseling (and that she has agreed). I hope it is productive and that she will agree to more sessions.  One is hardly enough... But could be the start.

I want to add that if you still love her and don't want the marriage to end, fight for it!  Women want a man to fight for them. Even if she is entertaining the thought of leaving for someone else.  Be transparent and listen carefully to what she says.  If she wants changes, make the effort obvious.

My marriage is better now than ever, but a couple years ago, we almost ended it. It was very hard, but I knew it would be harder to walk away.  It wasn't a quick easy fix, but we both kept moving forward and went to counseling.  Sometimes together and sometimes separate.  Stick with it. 

I would highly recommend watching the movie "Fireproof".  Also, the book "The Love Dare", of which the movie was based on.

Best of luck to you, brother!

-Mike

 



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